3 Awkward Threesome Moments (and How to Deal)

So you’re gonna have a threesome...

WOOHOO! More bodies means more fun right? Totally. It can also mean more expectations, more emotions and more communication. Here are 3 awkward threesome moments (and how to deal):

1. Getting it started

You are so ready to get your group sex on. You’ve landscaped all the appropriate parts, breath check, stocked up on condoms and lube, and most importantly, you’ve got more than one willing person who wants to get nekkid with you. Unlike in porn (breaking news: porn is not real life), getting a threesome, moresome or orgy started can be super awkward.

Maybe you thought it would look like the wet, sweaty, groaning piles o' porno that you've watched where everyone naturally, happily and well-lubricatedly jump right in!

But it actually looks more like this:

The dynamic of more than two people getting together to get it on can mean the rise of insecurities and the decrease in comfortable communication. ALERT: mood killer. How can you get over this awkward hurdle and into your sexy triad?

There’s the obvious approach:

For most folks, getting straight into it can feel abrasive. Add some social lube to the situation. Set the stage for communication. Ask questions about what they are into. Tell them what you’re into. Talk about the kinds of things you’d like to do together.

A more subtle approach:

Consider this verbal foreplay. This is a great time to discuss things like:

Likes/dislikes
Hard limits
Buzz killers (e.g. not a hard limit, but doesn’t turn me on)
Fantasies
Signs of pleasure/displeasure (e.g. what does it look/sound like when you’re enjoying something?)

Luna on consent: Having agreed to a threesome doesn't automatically make everyone's body fair game to everyone else. This is a good time to discuss expectations and consent that is enthusiastic, on-going and clear.

Now you can dirty talk your way into this three-backed beast you've been panting for with these sexy-time conversation starters:

I’m really turned on that we decided to do this - how are you all feeling?
I’m really turned on we’re all together tonight - what are some of the sexy scenes you fantasized about for tonight?
This is my first threesome/moresome/orgy - I’ve totally fantasized about [insert sexy group sex scene here] because I love the possibilities we have with three people. What makes you horny about all this?

Be an active listener, observe body language. If all signs are gone, proceed cautiously with a simple request for action:

It’s really sexy to talk like this, I’d like to touch you/kiss you/watch you, would you be into that?
I’m kinda nervous about getting this all started, would you like to have a huddle cuddle?
I think you’re both so sexy, would you be into a three way massage?
Would either of you like to kiss me while I explore the other with my hands?

If you’re feeling nervous and insecure about getting things started, chances are, other people are too. Use this as an opportunity for communication and flirting, which will make the rest of the group sex even hotter.

2. Feeling left out

One of my worst go-to fears in group sex, other than finding a spider in my crotch, is feeling left out. Those moments trigger feelings of not being desired, feeling unattractive or just feeling isolated from the group.

Sometimes these are not just feelings - you may find that two or more or the people you are horizontal tangoing with are just really into what they are doing or unaware that your needs aren’t being met. A lot of group sex happens between strangers, and people forget that more than two means more effort, more attention, more emotional intelligence and more awareness of OPP (Other People’s Pleasure).

Here’s what to do when you feel left out:

Speak up.

Communication makes any sex, but especially group sex, hotter. Let people know your needs aren’t being met. Try saying:

I'd love to get in on the action, where can I put my hands/mouth/genitals?
You guys look so sexy, how can I join you?
You two look so hot together, I would really love it if you were touching me too so I can get in on this hottness.
Mmmmmm, what you’re doing looks amazing, can you do it to both of us?

Get busy creating or get dressed.

In group sex we have the power of creating opportunities for ourselves because we are all microcosms of the group pleasure. I experienced a situation where I went to the bathroom and came back to find the couple having sex in missionary position. That’s a very exclusive position to be in, and makes it hard for the third person to figure out where to get involved, unless invited into it. I felt very left out and immediately went to feeling undesired, unattractive and awkward. I decided, I had to create a way to work myself in or kick them out of my bed. I choose create.

Create the scenes YOU want. Group sex doesn’t mean you sacrifice for the group. Get creative, figure out how to involve everyone in some way. Here are some ideas:

Start masturbating to the live porn in front of you
Talk dirty about what you like that’s happening, ask them what they are enjoying
Add sensual touch to the scene
Bring out a toy and show off your exhibitionist side
Ask for what you need (e.g. touch, attention, kissing, oral, etc)

Take a break.

Either head off to the bathroom so you can regroup yourself and explore what you’re actually experiencing. Maybe you pull out your mantra, maybe you rehydrate or maybe you suggest that the group takes a break. Some threesomes discuss this beforehand, that if one person needs a break, the entire group gets a break.

Taking a break is a fantastic way to not have to worry about sex-a-fying your communication. Libidos come down a bit, and blood returns to the parts where we need some high functioning. This is your opportunity to say what you’re enjoying and what you’d like more of. No need for criticism, but give people knowledge about your needs.

Your fun goes up and so does everyone else's.

3. I’m done, they aren’t.

Group sex brings together people with different sexual styles, desires and stamina. You may be a one-shot wonder or you may be a marathoner (like moi). Newsflash: No one is the center of attention, all the time. Your responsibility to the pleasure of the group goes beyond your own orgasm.

You may decide as a ground rule that if one person is finished, everyone is finished. But most times, it's not going to be so clear cut. If you are finished, and the rest of your group sex goers aren’t, here are some of your options:

Speak up. Let them know that you’re pretty tapped out, so you’re going to take a break, but you are loving that they still have the energy to continue.
Support the group. Even if your sexual stamina has dropped, rally up your emotional and sensual connection to OPP (Other People’s Pleasure). Offer sensual touch, dirty talk or just be a sexy voyeur.
Give pleasure. I realize that some people with penis’ will argue that physiologically the desire for sex will drop and the disinterest will take over. I will argue that every month I have PMS and want to slash and burn everything around me due to physiology, but I manage not to. Contribute to your partners’ pleasure, be supportive and generous with your presence in a way that you feel comfortable. Here are some ideas:
Add a skill to the mix - massage, oral, dirty talk
Bring in a pinch hitter. Grab a toy (e.g. vibrator, butt plug, dildo)
Give them permission to continue. As long as you are ok with them continuing without your full engagement, it makes a big difference to the bodies that are still humping and bumping if they have your explicit permission to continue. Try: You two look amazing, I wish I had the energy to keep going, but I’m loving that you do. Keep playing, I’m going to grab a drink.

If you are actually, utterly and completely spent - then say that too. The worst is trying to continue having sexy times when the post-orgasm person in the corner is twiddling their thumbs and watching the clock.

Dealing with awkwardness can be a buzz kill, but it can also create a foundation for learning about each other - even if it’s a casual thing. Knowing your partners can make your sex hotter and make you a better lover.

Go forth and get your group sex on. I will leave you with some group ducking action: