How do I connect as a Dom on Dating Apps?

I have seen and been approached by my fair share of 'I'M A DOM OK!' style of profiles. These people might be confusing being dominant with being domineering or they really might be confused about how to make a connection that might lead to consensual erotic power exchange.

Lead with your non-Dominance interests first.

I have interests other than being dominant, like donuts, and connecting through friendly, open, authentic conversation can create casual or long-lasting relationships that are more fun. Connect as people first until you are clear about whether you want to connect to their submissive side. Shared interests in power exchange are the bare minimum for a connection - what kind of sub are they? What are you willing to offer their submission as a dominant? What does their pleasure desire?

Doesn't Dominant = Confident?

Being the dominant can be confusing. We're expected to come across as confident leaders and be intuitive about submissive needs without really hearing exactly what those needs are. Some of these expectations are internalized insecurities and some of them are about other people's expectations about what confidence looks like in erotic power exchange.

Confidence isn't about assumptions or power over people we don't know. Confidence is feeling like you have a thorough understanding of your erotic fantasies, can describe them in an expansive way, and can demonstrate empathy through curiosity and active listening. Treat confidence as curiosity - what do you need to know about this person to see if you can match, fulfill or play with their desires. Instead of a checklist of what you want, what are you offering - and do they even want that? My Delicious Dominance Skills class has a TON of ideas for how to develop your dominant identity and how to connect with the type of sub you desire.

How can I build a connection with a submissive?

Whether it's for long or short term connections with submissive partners, clarifying what is being given and received is part of the communication. The first step is to get rid of empty profiles. If you're a dominant looking for a submissive partner, ask yourself these questions:

What am I offering a submissive partner? What type of connection, support and play? Is it sexual? Non-sexual? Friendly? Romantic? Monogamous/poly?
What characteristics turn me on in a submissive? Do I want someone that enjoys pain/helplessness/adoration/service/degradation? What do I want them to feel on the other end of my power?
What are my boundaries? What are my turn offs?
What kinds of kinky activities are on my menu? It's important to have lighter activities where you can get to know someone and then warm up to more intense activities - think of it like a menu, what are your appetizers? mains? desserts?

Give people something to ask you about. I find more like minded kinky partners by engaging people about their kink AND their personality. Not all doms subscribe to this philosophy.

Dating App Dos and Don’ts for Doms:

Do flesh out your own fantasy with specifics and not just a laundry list of things you want to do to someone. Are you interested in dominance that is adoring, authoritative, bratty or bossy? What are you offering a submissive for their pleasure - a particular skill, intimacy, experience.
Don’t automatically assume someone with submissive interests is your sub as soon as you match. Power exchange is a mutual co-creation for mutual pleasure. Not everyone likes the same things or has the same interpretation of kinky activities
Do get curious about your potential partner. Ask about their experience with D/s, boundaries, turn offs, fantasies.
Don’t objectify them with pet names or name calling right off the bat. Engage them on some of their interests and desires they have listed on their profile.
Do respect someone’s fantasy that is different than yours. There isn’t one true way to dom or one true way to sub. Kink is infinitely creative.
Don’t confuse being dominant with being domineering. Your dominance isn’t a free for all card to do and say whatever you want - including in your messages. Consensual dominance requires clear, engaged and reversible consent.