SO, YOU WANT TO DO BUTT STUFF?

Want to bring some bum joy into your sexy times? Anal pleasure can be a really fun exploration of an area of the body that we still have a lot of shame, stigma and assumptions about. Though you need actual lube, use communication as your social lube for your upcoming bum sex times. It can put both partners at ease to have playful, curious and honest conversations around how they feel about giving and/or receiving anal sex, what does anal pleasure look like for them and what do they need to have the best bum time possible. Go slow, enjoy the playfulness and explore all the ways you can turn each other on from anal pleasure.

Here are 4 Tips for Better Butt Sex to help you explore anal pleasure:

1. ANAL SEX NEED NOT BE A SURPRISE GUEST.

Showing up at someone’s bum door unexpectedly and trying to shove your way in isn’t consensual and usually delivers pain-al instead of anal. Anal sex, like other kinds of sex, benefits from raising arousal, increasing relaxation and using sensuality to be present in the moment and in our bodies.

Talk about it before hand to discuss experiences, expectations, fantasies, turns ons, concerns and feelings about giving and/or receiving.  It can be a delicious bread crumb of seduction to talk with your partner about what your fantasies are, things you’re curious about, and to ask them about their fantasies, desires and what makes them feel sexy. The more information you have, even if you’ve been together a long time, the more responsive to their pleasure you can be.

Here are some conversation ideas:

  • Invite conversations around concerns, bodies and hygiene. (p.s. shit happens)
  • Give each other opportunities to affirm each other’s needs to feel safe and sexy. Maybe you agree that anal starts in the shower while you wash each other down.
  • What kinds of things would you like to do to your partner’s butt and/or would you like done to yours? Make a list or sext each other your Bum Wish List for the night.
  • Things can change from experience to experience, what you liked before you may not be in the mood for tonight.Talk about what bum things that are on or off the table for the night, e.g. rimming – yes (receiving and giving), penetration – no (giving), yes (receiving).
  • Remind each other about all the other things that get you in the mood; think eye contact, dirty talk, lots of touch, sexy lingerie, porn – whatever is available to support arousal and seduce your butts.

2. KEEP AN OPEN MIND TO A CLOSED BUTT.

If your partner says anal sex doesn’t interest me, or I’ve had bad past experiences or not my thing, that’s ok. Everyone has the right to reject sexual stimulation or acts that they don’t find sexy whether or not they’ve tried it and regardless if you really want to do it. You aren’t owed a reason if someone simply says, it’s not my thing.

If you’re the butt in question and you want to say yes but your butt keeps saying no (read: pain, resistance, discomfort, shame), be patient with yourself and share your needs with your partner. In butt sex, you can only go as fast as the slowest person…make that slow exploration delicious, seductive, communicative and sensual. Approach it with no expectations of penetration, but more like: ‘how many ways can I make this butt wiggle with pleasure’.

3. ANAL PLEASURE DOESN’T ALWAYS HAVE TO MEAN PENETRATION.

Sometimes we get caught up in anal penetration as the only version of anal sex, which can be intimidating to butt beginners or if you’re new to a partner. Talk about the things you find sexy about asses (visually and physically), what you’d like done to yours or to do to theirs. Anal play can be both external and internal. Sometimes even our minds infuse our anal desires and can include fantasy, aesthetics or power exchange.

Here are some external and internal bum play ideas:

  • Rimming (i.e. analingus, eat it like a donut hole)
  • Perineum (i.e. taint) massage
  • Prostate play
  • External buttcrack massage
  • Vibrators
  • Butt plugs
  • Strap-ons
  • Enemas
  • Butt Plug tails
  • Face sitting
  • Sexy underwear
  • Spitting/drooling
  • Spanking
  • Flogging
  • Anal hooks, speculums
  • Double-ended dildo
  • Whatever your bums desire

4.  AVOID ANAL ASSUMPTIONS.

When talking about anal sex, use the conversation or sexting to talk about your turn ons and the little vignettes of anal play that you imagine. Sometimes bringing up anal sex without context or explanation can inspire stereotypes around who is the giver and who is the receiver, and an automatic assumption that the only way to satisfy this fantasy is through immediate penetration. Not true, there’s a whole butt world filled with anal pleasure that is available. 

For some people there can be shame, discomfort or lack of knowledge and skill around being a giver or a receiver – talking about desires, experiences from your fantasies can help you figure out how to make the ones you feel most comfortable starting with happen. You may want to fulfill your partner’s strap-on sex fantasy, but lack the know-how or sex toy equipment to start. You may want your partner to rim your butthole but you may worry about hygiene and taboo. Both scenarios can become curious starting points for conversations to unpack our anal fantasies and discover new ways to get turned on.

Want to learn more?

This book changed my butt’s life: Anal Sex Basics, by Carlyle Jansen.

I've partnered with b-Vibe, an innovative anal sex toy brand, to bring you The Plug Podcast! We are taking anal sex conversations deeper with me, your host, and guest ASSperts weighing in on topics like pain, pleasure, prostates, kink and more. Listen to The Plug podcast on iTunes, Spotify and Soundcloud.

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