THE SPACE BETWEEN FANTASY AND REALITY CAN BE AS SHORT OR AS LONG AS YOU’D LIKE.

What would you say to your partner if they told you: 

• I’ve fantasized about dominating you.
• I want to pee on you.
• Let’s have a threesome.
• Can you put this in my ass?
• Will you dress up like a nurse?
• I’d like to be spanked.
• I’m kinda curious about cross-dressing.
• Do you think you could tie me up?

Fantasies are our mind’s way of indulging in desire and delight from using our imagination to provoke an erotic response in us. Our mind is our biggest sex organ and while the physical sensations of sex are delicious, engaging our biggest sex organ can offer us new portals of pleasure and connection. Fantasies can also be intimidating and can be our contact with our personal darkness and vulnerability. Are they a manifestation of innate deviancy? In most people, probably not. Are they a sign that we are pathologically disposed to weird sex? In most people, probably not. Are they an opportunity to explore creative, connected and curious eroticism in a risk-aware, consensual and shame-free pleasurable way? In many people, probably.

WHAT IF MY FANTASY IS WEIRD?

What makes something weird? Think about our definitions of sex, arousal, sexuality and eroticism. Depending on social, political and historical conditions, what’s considered sexually deviant, weird or obscene, changes. For example, same sex sexual content used to be considered obscene and sexually deviant, and still is in many places in the world. In the UK, face sitting porn is banned. In many places menstrual blood is considered obscene.

If your fantasy involves things that are considered taboo, illegal or violent, you might feel an extra layer of concern for sharing your fantasy. You may be worried about consequences that can include; triggering your partner(s), being compared to stories of people who non-consensually pursue similar acts or maybe of being seen is having a mental disorder. There’s a difference between imagined scenarios between risk aware, consenting and mutually pleasure-seeking adults and crimes, violations and assault.

For most of us, fantasies are a way to expand our erotic mind and fulfill our sexual and intimate desires to be creative, playful and intense with our sex.

SHOULD I SHARE MY FANTASY?

For some people, sharing fantasies with their partners can lead to better sexual communication, shared excitement over desires, discovery of intersections of pleasure and a chance to learn information to be more responsive to their partners. For others, sharing fantasies may have led to feelings of shame, guilt and judgement.

Fantasies don’t always have to come to life or even leave your head. Digging into our own sexual intellectual selves can help us learn about our desires that we do choose to share with partners and help them be more responsive to our needs. For example, if you know that you love being spanked because it makes you feel helpless, but you don’t actually want to experience pain, you may choose to ask your partner to hit your bum with soft things or talk about how else you can create feelings of helplessness – think bondage, think eye gazing, think dirty talk.

HOW DO I TALK ABOUT MY FANTASY?

If you’re wanting to bring up fantasies with your partner, take a deep breath and write out the who, what, why, where, when of your fantasy. You may be focused on the latex or the feet or the four other bodies in the scene, but gathering the details helps give you more depth to bring to the conversation with your partner to help them understand the flavour or the mood that your fantasy takes place in.

Think about what you masturbate to – if it’s porn, try masturbating to the same scene but without the porn to notice what you focus in on. For example, you may want to play with the characters of teacher and student:

• Who is the teacher and who is the student?
• What are they wearing? What is the tone of their looks?
• What turns you on about them?
• Is it in the classroom or a car or outside?
• Is there a power dynamic? Is the student seducing the teacher?
• Is the teacher punishing the student?
• What makes this scene erotic/naughty/sexy?
• Are there vignettes that make you excited to think about? (e.g. someone bent over a desk, the potential of getting caught)
• Is this something you just want to share or is it something you might like to actually role play?
• Describe your partner’s character – what’s sexy about them, what turns you on about them, what are things they are thinking or saying in your fantasy

Approach your partner without demands or expectations, but with an intention of connecting through your erotic desires. Maybe you’ll connect on a version or a thread of your fantasy or maybe the whole thing will be an adventure and discovery. Whether your partner is long-term or casual, you benefit from the intimacy of sharing what it is that you want as part of your pleasure pursuit.

WHAT IF THEY AREN’T INTO MY FANTASY?

It’s possible that your partner just isn’t into any version or level of intensity of your fantasy. Maybe they had an empathetic response that said I’m just not into that. Or maybe they had disgusted or judgmental response. Either is disappointing but one can inspire shame. 

While we’d hope for the empathetic response, nobody is obligated to indulge your fantasies (even in conversation) if it makes them feel at risk, uncomfortable, unsafe or it doesn’t bring them pleasure or if they just don’t want to. Keep your fantasy for your solo sex times or talk with them about other options (e.g. watching porn together, going to a professional dominatrix or other sex worker or consider bringing in a third person who shares the fantasy).

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How have you responded when someone has shared their fantasy with you? Let me know in the comments!