IMAGINE IF WE GAVE PEOPLE THE SEX WE WANT INSTEAD OF GETTING SEX FROM THEM.

A world where it was always important for us to embrace, excite and delight our partners’ pleasure needs as part of our own sexual satisfaction?

We’d have to refine our skills in communication, enthusiasm and consent. I’d need to know what your buttons are in order to push them, and I’d have to keep communicating to know how hard, fast and deep you like those buttons pushed. We’d all have to get really good at being mindful and present to notice, engage and encourage signs of pleasure vs. signs of porno.

SO WHY DON’T WE ALL HAVE THIS KIND OF SEX?

Shame. Lack of sexual communication skills. Heavy reliance on performance-based and orgasm-focused sex. And many more reasons that lots of us learned from our sex negative culture. You can turn that around tonight with a few simple adjustments:

SLOW SEX DOWN.

Drag out that trail from their lips to their genitals with kisses, winks and licks along their body. Pause and breathe. Inhale the moment – it calms you, brings you back to the pleasure in your body and gives them a moment to also breathe and anticipate what’s next.

BE ENTHUSIASTIC.

Use verbal and non-verbal cues to show you’re having a good time (e.g. back arches, bum wiggles, eye contact, moans). It’s really affirming for both people when enthusiasm is obvious. Communication – check in, ask questions, invite them to tell you how they like to be touched with binary questions (e.g. faster/slower, harder/softer, lower/higher).

GET SENSUAL.

Use your senses to take in what’s going on, notice your hands on their body, make eye contact, make yummy noises when you taste their skin/mouth/body, notice what they smell like and how that makes you feel. Smile, giggle, be silly – sex is more fun and more relaxed when it’s playful. You aren’t performers, you’re partners, so it’s ok to have awkward moments and still feel sexy and confident.