WHERE DID MY ERECTION GO?
Erections have been poised as the epicentre of all sex. Without an erection did sex even happen?! Yes. Sex can be sex without erections!
Let’s bust these erection-dependant myths about sex - the reality is: sex isn’t only in your genitals and sex doesn’t require erections or penetration to be pleasurable (or to be considered sex). If you've ever felt unconfident about erections of worried about staying hard during sex, read on!
Mainstream porn lied to us.
More like we believed porn because we had no other place to learn about how to have sex. The penises we see in porn are performing - which means you’re not seeing what goes into sustaining erections behind the scene, the editing and the bloopers. In most of our high school sex ed, we all learn that sex is when a penis goes in a vagina. Not a mouth or an anus. Not a finger or a sex toy being the penetrator - a penis. So it’s not hard to understand why not being able to get or sustain an erection is a moment rife with insecurity and inadequateness.
Sex doesn't have to include penetration to be satisfying, orgasmic, fun, connected or rewarding. YOU get to define what sex looks and feels like. There is a lot of pressure on erections to perform when we want them to and the way we want them to. In reality, there's a lot more than goes into erections that arousal or will. Mind-body relationships, stress, medications, trauma, shame, health, and many other factors can affect erections strength, ability and stamina.
4 COMMON REASONS FOR LOSING AN ERECTION DURING SEX
Definitely check in with your health care provider if you want to explore physiological reasons why erections might be challenging. Here are some common reasons why you might lose an erection during sex:
1. Thinking about losing the erection or orgasming.
Performance anxiety is a popular cause of losing erections. Thinking about staying erect or focusing on trying to orgasm creates mental tension that can block the more relaxed and open state our body uses to facilitate arousal.
Many people experience shallower breathing, tenser bodies and emotional reactions to self-judgement or external judgement. Obsessing over orgasm or erection is a great way to make sure it doesn't happen! Society as also put pressure on people with penises to channel all of their sexual prowress and confidence into the existence of erections. So it's easy to get caught up in thinking that sex can't happen or you won't be sexy if there isn't an erection present.
2. Outside the bedroom insecurities or stress make their way inside.
If you feel challenged about your relationship, work stress, home stress, global stress - all these stresses are hard to leave outside the bedroom. You might be consciously in the mood for sex and physically ready, but your mind might be in a stress state. Some people have a hard time winding down from the day or switching into a sexy state of mind or are physically exhausted. If you worry about what your body looks like, how hairy or not hairy you are, how big or small your penis is - your mind gets preoccupied with body shame and makes it hard to open up our erotic imagination to connect with what's happening to our physical self.
Getting into your head occupied with self-judgement, general anxiety about stress or worry can mean that it's more challenging for us to be present in the pleasure that is happening right in the moment. The same way that our brain can get us into an aroused state, it can also take us out of an aroused state.
3. Challenges to blood flow.
Alcohol, some medications, recreational drugs like MDMA and even chronic weed use, may impact erections temporarily or until discontinued. Some health conditions, especially ones related to vascular health, can also impact erections. Reach out to a health care provider to explore conditions that might be affecting your blood flow.
4. Arousal non-concordance.
Sometimes you're in the mood but your body isn't and vice versa. Physical arousal doesn't always mean readiness for sex (think about in-opportune times that erections have happened outside of sexual stimulation) and erections don't always need to be present for sex to happen.
Want to discover more erotic hotspots beyond the penis?
WHAT CAN YOU DO WHEN YOU LOSE AN ERECTION?
1. Change positions.
Some positions, like being on your back, can be challenging if you are already struggling with blood flow to your penis. Play around to see what helps you stay erect.
2. Squeeze the base of the penis.
Create a circle with your forefinger and thumb and put that around the base of the penis (over the testicles), play with squeezing and releasing the area while stimulating the rest of the penis. You're essentially creating a dynamic cock ring with your fingers to help trap blood in the shaft and head of the penis. Some people enjoy pressure against the pubic bone area for extra sensation, you can try pressing down and up with the finger ring on the base of the penis (too much pressure will feel like you have to pee).
3. Touch everywhere but the penis.
Get stimulation to the under-serviced surrounding erogenous zones - think inner thighs, perineum, testicles, lower belly, ears, bums, etc. Create blood flow in the area by getting more aroused. Using a blindfold can also create a sensory distortion that can help get someone out of their head.
Getting the whole body more aroused is even better, because it will support physical and mental relaxation and facilitate being present in the pleasure of the body instead of stressing about erections. You can even intentionally cancel erections for the night and focus on other types of sexual pleasure.
4. Tease and deny.
Change up stimulation - from soft to rougher, from faster to slower, from oral to hands, from licking to sucking etc. Creating sensations that don't dull the pleasure peaks for the penis can also help with getting out of your head and into your body. Your body starts to sink into the sensations because it doesn't know what's coming next.
Switching sensations should be smooth and fluid, not jerky or too many. Pay attention to other signs of arousal as you play with tease and denial - is breath changing? is the body grinding or writhing? Are moans tumbling out in response?
Anyone can strap it on!
5. Mix up your masturbation.
Allowing your penis to mix up the sensations that lead to orgasm can help make it more responsive during partner play. If you always masturbate the same way, with the same porn, in the same position - your body learns a specific pleasure pathway that gets it to orgasm, and it's natural to enjoy what's familiar and a guarantee! Switch up your positions or space (e.g. in the shower instead of on the bed),
6. Use lube.
Lube helps create a texture that reduces friction. Try giving or receiving a 'cock massage' with lube, that focuses on fluid and silky strokes to different parts of the penis to see what it likes. Long lasting water-based lubes or Silicone or oil-based lubes will feel best for extended periods of play.
7. Tell your partner what's up.
We can pile shame on top of anxiety so easily. Feeling bad about feeling insecure takes us deeper into a shame spiral about our bodies. Let your partner know ahead of time that you might be really into what's happening but that your body might not respond the same way. Speaking your truth can leave room for you to be more present, feel less performance anxiety and allow your partner to support you in your pleasure.
8. Focus on other hot spots.
Explore other hot spots. Switch up pleasure of receiving to the pleasure of giving and see how many ways you can pleasure your partner without an erection. What happens with prolonged nipple play? Prostate pleasure? Sensual play? Kink and BDSM?
TOYS AND SUPPLEMENTS
DO SUPPLEMENTS HELP WITH STAYING HARD?
Supplements are mostly claiming to help with blood flow, although there's very little medical research about the effectiveness. If you have a medical condition that affects your blood flood, it's probably better you talk with your medical provider. There may be lifestyle changes they can recommend that can support better blood flow than supplements alone.
CAN SEX TOYS HELP WITH ERECTIONS?
Cock rings are great for once you have an erection and would like to try to make it stronger or last longer. Cock rings trap the pressurized blood flow in the penis, but they can't be used safely for an extended period of time. Most estimates for safety land around the 20-30 min mark.
Butt plugs are another sex toy that could help or hinder. Some people find anal stimulation with a butt plug that sits comfortably inside the body hands-free, gives extra erogenous zone stimulation indirectly to the pelvic area. For some people this means stronger erections and for other people this extra stimulation is a distraction from penis pleasure and may result in arousal but no or reduced erections.
My fav sex toys for penises:
 Lovehoney Get Hard Cockring Set: this pack of three non-vibrating rings are an affordable way to explore different types of sensation in penises, and change erections. Wear at the base of the penis, or include the testicles. |
 Sliquid H2O: this water-based lube is neither too thick or thin. Since it’s water-based, it can be used with any toys or condoms - but, it will dry out during extended play. This can be remedied with adding a little more water |
 Pjur: this silicone-based lubricant has a great ingredients list, is very long lasting, and doubles as a massage oil. Also a great choice for use in the shower. Be sure to not use this lube with silicone sex toys. |
 Lovehoney Ignite Prostate Massager: with 20 settings, this rechargeable prostate massager is a great way to explore anal play and possible P-spot orgasms. |
 Blowmotion Warming Masturbator: This toy not only features a range vibration settings, but also warms up to 40C (104F) - offering a novel and sexy extra sensation for play. |
 Desire Luxury Vibrating Ring: this is a USB rechargeable vibrating cock ring. Wear it at the base of the shaft of your penis with the vibe resting against your pubic bone. Or, try wearing it over or underneath your testicles to vibrate them, or your perineum. |
 Arcwave Voy Adjustable Stroker: this waterproof stroker offers 8 different pressure sensations, so you can customize the tightness and feel of the toy. |
 Tenga Egg: this stretchy and versatile masturbation sleeve has both a textured and non-textured side. Explore a variety of sensations or you can cut the tip of it off if you’d rather an open-ended sleeve. |
 Fun Factory Manta: not only is this a really beautifully designed stroker, but it also has a high quality motor and is great to include during partner play as well (there’s a whole world of straddling and humping options with this toy). |
Society’s expectations around masculinity, sex and virginity have influenced the way many people with penises see their sexual experiences. We can work on expanding our idea of sex which will expand our EXPERIENCE with sexual pleasure. If there’s another way to get turned on, to have deeper or more orgasms, to bring pleasure to yourself and your partner and to connect to your body’s arousal….wouldn’t you want to know?
Reclaiming our erotic potential, getting more confident in our bodies and in bed, and learning to communicate with partners, can help navigate the shame and awkwardness of losing erections.
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