Is it selfish that I want my partner to give me oral sex but I don’t want to do it to them?
Here’s my answer:
Yes and no. Yes, taking care of your own needs and preferences can be selfish and sometimes we need to be. No, because we don't want people to feel obligated or coerced into doing sexual things for our pleasure. Your sexual menu as a giver might not include oral sex - ask yourself.. why not?
There is a double standard in society where oral sex is expected on penises but is optional on vulvas. Many people with vulvas only orgasm from sex that includes oral sex, good fingering and deep kissing. I've had people refuse to go down on me because they think vaginas are dirty (hello patriarchy), or not tasty, or take too long to pleasure. Or simply because they aren't getting direct pleasure to their genitals out of going down on me.
We aren't always going to be into the exact same things in the exact same way with our sexual partners, even if we feel the compatibility is strong. People's fantasies change and evolve too, so it's awesome when we strive to create relationship dynamics that are curious and self-aware. There is a lot of emphasis placed on getting sex from people, instead of giving them the sex and pleasure they want. So often we focus only on how our bodies and orgasms are feeling during sexual experiences with other partners. Other people have the opposite experience where they don't worry about their own pleasure and put their partner's pleasure first.
If your partner wants you to indulge in something for their pleasure and you don't want to, it's important for you to approach each other with empathy. Check-in with your partner - how do they feel about receiving oral? Is it part of their orgasmic pleasure? Is it fun, but unimportant to them? How do they feel about your reluctancy? It’s easy to feel rejected by our partner’s desires that are different from our own.
A discussion about what you don't like and why can be an opportunity to co-create a sex experience that is good for both of you. It might lead you to creative solutions like:
- Learning to tune into how to get pleasure from GIVING pleasure
- Finding new oral sex positions or props for comfort
- How can you use your hands or sex toys like vibrators, butt plugs and cock rings to add physical pleasure to your body during oral
- Using dirty talk, eye contact and observation of your partner's pleasure to feed your erotic connection
- Adding roleplay - bondage, dominance and submission, body worship
- Set aside nights where one of you gets to be the focus of receiving oral the whole night and next time it's the other person's turn
- Working through discomfort and shame about body scents and tastes
- Using latex barriers like dental dams to protect against STIs
- Increasing communication during oral sex, creating a different mood
- Engaging in role play - maybe you make one way oral sex part of erotic dominance and submission
- Using sex toys that simulate oral on your partner (clitoral stimulators)
- Learning some oral sex skills (my Best BJs webinar and Eat Pussy Like a Champ are a great start)
What if it's a HARD no?
It's perfectly understandable if someone is disappointed or doesn't want to give you oral unless they get it back - ultimately we don't want people to feel obligated to do things they don't like and we want enthusiastic lovers. Pleasure doesn't have to be identical for the giver and receiver, someone might enjoy giving pleasure because they love seeing their partner's arousal. Check in with yourself to see what you're feeling about their 'no' - what does it mean for your pleasure, your connection and the type of sex you want to have? Discuss what makes you both feel sexy, accepted and turned on.
Keep communicating - you might even discover a new way to get turned on!
