So you’re on the prowl for a delicious Dominant or a sexy submissive.
Maybe you’re receiving messages from submissives or Dominants looking for someone just like you. So...who is this ‘you’? And how do you know this person will be a good fit for your fantasies? Asking sounds easy, right? Here’s how that sometimes goes (actual messages):
1. Stranger from the Internet: “Hello my name is [stranger from the internet], I am looking for a female who considers herself more dominant than submissive, I am looking to meet up with a female who is very open minded and willing to try new things, I am particularly looking for someone willing to wear a very large strap-on dildo for me, I want to be pounded deep and relentlessly hard balls deep.......lol check out my pics and vids”
Me: My name is, No.
2. Stranger from the Internet: Hey sexy, wow your boobs are big. I love my face sat on, let my mouth and nose be your seat.
Me: My name is, No.
3. Stranger from the Internet: You will bow down to me when I come into your bedroom. I’m a Dominant male and I know how to make a woman feel taken care of by her Master.
Communicating Your Fucket List
Many BDSM-minded folks, much like in vanilla dating, have a checklist of things they want to experience. Lots of us have fetish lists or wishlists or what I call 'fucket lists'. It’s fantastic to know your desires, be able to communicate them and to actualize your spank bank fantasies. Letting the list drive the interactions with new power exchange partners can be misleading and a turn off. A more effective approach is asking the right questions and having a sense of the answers that would get you off the most. Dominant and submissives aren’t cookie-cutter identities. Not every Dominant does this and not every submissive does that. They vary from person to person and from scene to scene.
If someone’s Dominant side isn’t as defined as mine, that’s ok - a Domme may not have had a brat before and wants to experience that. I got into non-sexual submission and Domination by exploring a submissive’s desire to be a sissy maid - to clean my house while wearing drag. No sex. I was fascinated, and asked questions to understand where this person’s pleasure came from. This communication prior to any play, became both a filter and social lube for our scene. It gave me ideas as a new Dominant and inspired the tone of the power exchange.
5 Questions I ask potential submissives or Dominants
1. What kinds of scenes turn you on?
I like this question because it asks them to reach into both their spank bank of prior hot experiences and their fantasies for future hotness. This question prompts your potential new playmate to think beyond fetishes and acts. What is the flavour of the scene? Do they like scenes where a particular emotion dominates - like fear, abandonment, nurturing, erotic humiliation, for example.
You are inviting them to verbally entice you with the feelings, props and visuals they enjoy. (I also like this because if I’m not into doing something they mentioned with them, I park it to pull it out in future creative sex).
2. What characteristics do you find sexy in a Dominant/submissive?
This is my favourite question. When I first started exploring my inner Domme, I was mimicking images and roles I’d likely seen in porn - and I couldn’t plug into a socket of energy to pulse my own femme domme, so it felt very fake for me. Like I was playing dress up without an inner influence of dominance. I needed to discover my own ‘flavour’ of emotions, characteristics and dominant desires.
I learned about dominant characteristics in Midori’s Art of Feminine Dominance class (twice). Do this exercise on your own to discover the characteristics that turn you on in a submissive/Dominant and what makes you a sexy Dominant/submissive.
- What characteristics best describe your Dominant/submissive side?
- List the characteristics that you find attractive in a submissive/Dominant.
- What characteristics are a buzz kill for you?
Characteristics of my Dominant side:
- Bossy as fuck
- Expects obedience
- Likes ritual worship
- Budding sadist
Characteristics I look for in a submissive:
- Enjoys erotic humiliation
- Believes in a philosophy of Goddess worship
- Doormat subs
- Pain sluts
This is a great starter exercise to do on your own, you can also expand this exploration by using questions that capture different angles, perspectives and experiences within BDSM.
3. What experience do you have in power exchange?
This question gives you a sense of what other questions you need to ask. Are you new to this? Have you had other power exchange partners? Do you know what your limits are? Do you know how your body and mind responds to XYZ? This is a great opportunity to learn about someone’s history, what relationship dynamics they have explored, or perhaps they are a switch (someone who explores both side of power play).
4. What gets you off about being submissive/dominant?
Is it being a bully/being bullied? Is it about feeling smaller/bigger? Is it about experiencing fear in a controlled environment? Is it about denial? Is it about controlling someone’s orgasm? Is it about being serviced/servicing? If they are unsure - suggest they do the exercise above to explore their own submissive or Dominant characteristics or perhaps share your list. Some folks aren't able to easily articulate what it is they like.
I like to understand where the pleasure comes from to use these feelings as rewards or punishments. These are my checkpoints - I can explore outside of these pleasure moments, but I can always make sure that the scene includes some of these pieces.
5. What are things that you haven’t tried but you would like to?
I am turned on by creativity. This question invites creativity and possibility between the new connection you are making. I don’t like the same things with every partner - sometimes the connection inspires something that is new to me or I experience in a new way because of their particular ‘flavour’ of submission. This is also your chance to really listen to the passion in someone’s desires, likely what they masturbate to, and figure out if that’s something you’d like to explore with them. Maybe you happen to own the exact toy you've been wanting to try out on someone.
Searching for play partners online can feel transactional, like flipping through a catalogue. I've found that the opportunity to dance in conversation with someone for a little bit, to explore a connection based on fit, consent and chemistry, is certainly worth the effort. If you're not already on Fetlife (it's like Facebook for kinksters) it's a good website to start on to see how sexy it is when community can shape chemistry.
Ready to get some skills in Dominance and Submission?
- Be a Fab Femdom Part 1 and 2
- Sexy Skills for Submissives
- All About Daddy Rolelplay
- Delicious Dominance Skills
- Dirty Talk for Dominants
- How to Have Rough Sex
- Spanking Skills 101
- Intro to Erotic Pee Play (Watersports)
or book a one-on-one Pleasure Coaching session to get personalized support for navigating BDSM relationships and kink.