Are you concerned about hurting your partner’s feelings if you give sexual feedback?

You are definitely not alone! This is one of the most common bedroom challenges I hear as a Sex Coach. How do we give feedback about sex to our partners, without hurting their feelings?

It's wonderful empathy to care about how your partner receives feedback, but when it comes at the expense of your own comfort, pleasure and desires - is this ok for you?

Why is potentially hurting someone's feelings > than your pleasure needs?

For many of us, we’ve learned through experience or social expectations how to behave during sex. For example:

Speaking up might feel ‘aggressive’
You might think your needs are too much
You’ve had previous partners get upset, pouty, irritated or angry about feedback
Our trauma triggers us into a freeze or fawn response
You aren't sure how to describe what you do like

If you aren't giving your sexual partners feedback because you might hurt their feelings, you might be betraying your own body. Say it bluntly, say it with dirty talk, say it with simple instructions or say it during a debrief before next time. You're not responsible for their ego.

Curious partners are the hottest partners.

Partners who care about your pleasure will be curious about your likes/dislikes and welcome feedback - because it actually leads to more confidence and mutual pleasure, and less potential trauma, dissatisfaction and miscommunication.

If you normalize being curious about each other's pleasure, rejection will become a part of that and so will affirmation. No one is obligated to do things the way you want and you're not obligated to accept sex that doesn't bring you the pleasure you want.

Why is it so hard to speak up during sex?

You might not speak up because you’re not sure what to say or how to describe your pleasure. Some of us get non-verbal when we are in a happy pleasure space during sex, so we need to practice non-verbal communication. Trauma can make it hard to speak up during sexual experiences - let your partner know what you look like when you’re shutting down or triggered and give them ideas of what to do to support you when that happens.

Consent isn't just yes or no, it's an on-going dynamic of navigating giving and receiving between people. If you haven't heard your partner's 'no', are you sure you trust their 'yes'? Ask curious questions during or after, invite feedback, learn their non-verbal 'no' & 'yes'.

What if I feel bad about receiving feedback during sex?

It's ok to feel a little embarrassed or not good enough in the moment when we receive feedback. Most of us were never taught that consent is about a continuous feedback loop (verbal and non+verbal) about what feels good and what doesn't. Feedback can feel like rejection for many reasons. Consider that rejection is about hearing a no for you, but it's your partner saying yes to themselves.

Let's start Giving and Receiving more feedback during sex:

Tuning into our non verbal yes and no in our bodies, observing what it feels like
Inviting feedback from our partners - "hey feel free to tell me what you like"
Including likes/dislikes conversation in sexual health conversations
Practice affirming what feels good even if it feels tough to say what doesn't
During solo pleasure get specific about what areas, crevices, speeds, and pressure feel good so you can offer your partner specific feedback
Let your partner know what you look, sound and move like when you're having lots of pleasure and when you're checking out/not sure what is off
Simple feedback like 'faster/slower' or 'harder/softer' can make communication clear and short
If someone has trouble telling you what they like, ask them what they don't like or give them options to choose
Teach me to touch you - show me with your hand on mine or lead me
When your partner gives you feedback, thank them for letting you know what feels good
Try using safe systems or number systems for intensity communication - I have ideas for you on my blog post Why Safe Words Aren’t Enough

Less performance, more play.

We've all got the message that sex is about performance - but actually for most of us, the satisfaction, bliss and pleasure is in play, not performance. Our ego comes up when we are tuned into performance - being the best or worst at sex. Approaching sex from a curious place about mutual pleasure focuses on sensations, and attunement and adjustments are a natural part of that.

Sexually confident people don’t tend to worry about whether they are the best or the worst at sex - they are concerned about mutual pleasure, fun and being present. More possibilities for mutual pleasure open up when we get curious about giving someone the pleasure they want and asking for the pleasure we want.