I logged into my Fetlife account this week curious to see what other kinksters were saying about Black Lives Matter. Fetlife is a kinky social network, like Facebook for kinksters. Unsurprisingly, I either read racist comments or business as usual – white, thin bodies all over the site’s main page catering to the cis male gaze. One comment complained, “BLM is all over social media, this [Fetlife] is the only place where we can escape and this platform is about sexuality, not politics.” I saw many white cis women who are sex educators remain silent, even though they frequently appropriate from communities of colour, e.g. Tantra and smudging.


Sexual freedom happens when the social conditions allow us to prioritize the well-being of our emotions and bodies in our sexual activities. These conditions include consent, trusted knowledge on sexually transmitted infections, affordable and accessible contraceptive choices, communication skills, support to navigate shame-free pleasure, and a feeling of belonging to communities that celebrate our identities and sexual selves. We all deserve this, but we don’t all have this. 

It’s unsurprising because I have long experienced and witnessed racism and other forms of systemic oppression in sex positive communities claiming to be inclusive, diverse and champions of sexual freedom. For my fellow kinksters and those of us on a path to be liberated from our sexual shame, we fight for our right to express ourselves as empowered sexual beings  – without checking the unearned privilege that comes along with that. 

Promoting kink visibility, no yucking someone’s yum and supporting consent is NOT enough to support sexual freedom.  The fact that the rest of the internet is flooded with BLM conversations and my corner of Fetlife is not, speaks volumes to the apathy of our kinky community.

Privilege and social power have always been part of kink in who are considered ‘experts’, whose knowledge on kink is valuable, who shows up and feels like they belong in kinky spaces and who fetish events and kink retailers market to. There is also the fetishization of Black bodies, interpersonal racism in kink spaces on and offline to, cultural appropriation, and self-appointed leadership of mainly cisgendered, heterosexual, white men. Many kinksters have long perpetuated these behaviours, making many BIPOC (Black, Indigenous and People of Colour)  feel that they don’t belong and are unsafe in kink and sex positive communities.


Detangling issues of race, gender, sexuality and my body is not an option for me and many BIPOC communities. A trauma-informed approach to sexuality understands that structural and interpersonal oppression impacts the ways in which we show up in our sexual selves and how safe we are to do that.

If your sex positivity doesn’t include an understanding of the intersectional ways that sexual freedom and kink spaces exclude marginalized people – that’s privilege. More ways privilege shows up:

  • If you have the ability to divorce your sexual, gender and kinky identities from one another – that’s privilege.
  • If you show up in a space or a relationship and expect other’s to be able to leave their ‘politics’ at the door – that’s privilege. 
  • If you open up Fetlife, attend a kinky space and shop for kink gear and can see people with your skin colour, your fantasies, your body type – that’s privilege.
  • If your body and spirit can be silent and feel safe under the status quo – that’s privilege.
  • If your race isn’t a fetish on a porn site – that’s privilege.


Exploring our privilege by learning, reading and LISTENING to voices of people most affected by systemic oppression is where we begin to transform. Turn those ‘what abouts’ and ‘what ifs’ and ‘why don’t they’ inwards to yourself, to the resistance inside of you. Ask yourself, ‘what am I missing? Why is it hard for me to trust what they are saying?”. Your narrative coming in conflict with marginalized people is based on believing the current system works – because it works for you. Interrogate that feeling by reading, reflecting on your discomfort, and listening without centering a conversation on your feelings, your narrative and your experiences. Other ways to work on unpacking your privilege:

  • Understand that this isn’t a quick study. Read books and articles and be gentle with yourself during moments of discomfort, but keep going. 
  • Hold space for your partners lived experiences that are different than yours.
  • Don’t fetishize someone (e.g. by race) unless you have their consent to do so.
  • Have conversations with other people who share your privilege. 
  • If you are an active community member in an online or in-person kinky space, learn what you can do to ensure the space is safe for everyone’s needs. ‘Open to everyone’ usually doesn’t mean ‘everyone is safe’. 
  • When you feel resistance to this learning, when you experience shame or guilt, hold space for that in yourself and seek support or rest, but carry on, this work is healing. 
  • Support Black businesses, artists, healers, educators, spaces and people – especially this week but ongoing as a way to broaden your world to see what it would feel like if we were closer to equity.

It’s easier to look for voices that support your own way of thinking – dig deeper. Trust the books, the organizations and the voices that have been saying the same things for far too long.

Here’s a list of anti-racism resources to get you started.

This work isn’t easy, but it’s worthy.


Here are two Black-owned sex shops to buy your sexy things from: Secret Pleasures and Feelmore

Porn that features Queer and Trans BIPOC people: Crashpad Series

Afrosexology is an amazing resource to continue to learn about issues of Black Sexuality and Black sexual freedom. They also make AMAZING merch.

Want to join the discussion and unpack race and kink?

Grab tickets for this bi-weekly discussion with special guests.


"I'd never been to this kind of workshop before, so I was a bit nervous at first, but Luna was so relaxed she put the whole room at ease and soon we were laughing and discussing creative ideas together."