Is sexual confidence a look?

Nope. Most of what we've been told about sexual confidence boils it down to a particular look - a eurocentric and youthful aesthetic. Read my blog on which beauty standards need to go! But is this conventionally attractive appearance the key to sexual confidence?

Confidence isn't a look. People who have the bodies that the mainstream worships, are not having better or bigger pleasure than your body right now. A six pack doesn't mean more 'gasms.

Sexual confidence is about taking up space in your erotic desires, having erotic empathy for you and your partner and feeling relaxed, playful and satisfied in your sex.

What steals from our sexual confidence?

Many people, I'd say most people, struggle with three big areas of sexual confidence:

1. Performance anxiety

Examples: am I going to cum? Am I cumming too fast? can I make them cum?

2. Body shame

Examples: do I smell or taste weird? Are they attracted to my body even though it's ....? I probably can't pleasure anyone because my penis is small.

3. Sexual shame

Examples: My fantasy is probably too weird to share with my partner. I don't want to ask for what I want because that will seem bossy. I don't feel emotionally or physically safe, but I'm going to do it anyways.

You can have MORE pleasure, and LESS shame in the body you have right now. - Luna Matatas

But it takes practice. It's a feeling of belonging in your pleasure. What would it look like if you took up more space in your pleasure? What would you gain? What would you give up or grieve? Making space to grow is definitely scary and can feel risky even if it also feels exciting.

What would it look like if you belonged in your pleasure?

What would you do differently?

What would you wear?

How would you moved during sex?

What would you have to leave behind?

What doubts might also co-exist with your confidence?

What would you try or get curious about?

Here are some of my commitments to working to feel like I belong in my pleasure:

I'm staying curious to nourish my erotic imagination.

If you want to stay curious too, think about:

Exploring new fantasies through erotic literature or erotic audio.
Explore feminist porn like Crashpad Series
Get curious about roleplay, dirty talk or new sensations (like hot or cold, soft/rough)
Talk with your partner about their fantasies

I'm prioritizing play over performance.

Play makes you feel more relaxed and more likely to have more fun. Get playful in and out of the bedroom, solo or partnered with these ideas:

Learn a new sexy skill with your partner just for fun - no obligation
Have pants-on sex - how aroused can you get when you know that you have to keep your bottoms on?
Try a new sex toy - there will naturally be a learning curve, so instead of aiming for orgasms, try aiming for giggles, 'oooooohhhhs and aaaaahhhs', body squirms or other signs of pleasure
Mix up your masturbation (I have some ideas here)

I won't betray my body for someone else's comfort.

This one is about boundaries and getting to know your sexual needs. Think about things like:

What are the physical, social and emotional conditions that make me feel aroused, trusting and present?
What are my must-haves in a sexual partner?
What sexual activities give me the most pleasure to give/to receive?
What sexual activities, vibes, toys are turn offs and/or make me feel unsafe?
What barriers (e.g. condoms/dental dams) are important for me with my partner?
What kind of dirty talk turns me on?
What does it look, sound and feel like when I'm having a good time during sex? And when I'm not?
What am I nervous about sex and what am I excited about sex?

Want more sexual confidence?

Keep your learning going with my On-Demand Sexual Confidence Skills classes. Improve your body confidence, dirty talk, confidence in dominance and submission and more. View the Sexual Confidence Skills Webinar Collection.