How to Talk about Your Fantasies with Your Partner

Do you fantasize about being a naughty student? Maybe you’re into threesome fantasies? Or dying to see your partner in latex? Good! Your erotic imagination is creating fantasies to inspire your arousal. Sharing fantasies with your partner can increase sexual confidence, stimulate erotic creativity and deepen intimacy. 

Should I share my sexual fantasy?

Sharing fantasies can mean shared excitement over spicing things up, discovering new ways to get turned on and better bedroom communication. It might also result in feeling guilt or shame about your desires. 

Sharing doesn’t have to mean you want your fantasy to be a reality. It’s possible to discuss erotic desires, fetishes and role play as a form of sexual communication to deepen intimate knowledge of each other.  Sharing fantasies without the obligation to make them happen can make it less intimidating for your partner to hear them for the first time. 

Preparing to share your sexy fantasy. 

Before you share your fantasy, flesh out the erotic scene,story or idea you want to share with your partner. Write out the who, what, why, where, when of your fantasy. Think about:

  • What’s hot about this fantasy?
  • What are the details that arouse me in the fantasy?
  • What is the vibe or mood of the fantasy? Is it fear, primal, submissive?
  • How would I describe myself in the fantasy?
  • If my partner is in the fantasy, how would I describe them?
  • What’s happening in the fantasy in what order, what intensity? What colours, scents, textures or words peak my arousal?

If you start with: ‘I want to get whipped’. Your partner might jump to a stereotype or an extreme version of your fantasy - which might be hot - but also might feel intimidating or a turn off. Give them the juicy erotic details to help them understand the arousal for you.

Tips for telling your partner about your fantasy:

It’s normal to feel nervous or awkward about sharing erotic fantasies whether it’s a long-term or casual partner. You might want to have a conversation during a non-sexy time, or after intense sex as you’re coming down but still feeling intimate. You might want to start a conversation over text. Whatever moment you choose, make sure you ask your partner’s permission to hear your fantasy. Say something like: ‘I have this hot fantasy I always think about, would you be open to hearing it right now?’. This allows them to get in the mindset of hearing something sexual. 

Approach your partner without demands or expectations. Sharing your fantasy is a way of learning about their fantasy too. Use language like:

  • I have had this fantasy for a really long time and I’m nervous to share it with you, but I am also excited to tell you what makes me really hot. 
  • I have this fantasy of spanking - have you ever given or received a spanking?
  • I get really aroused when I fantasize about being a sex kitten. I’m not sure I want to actually live out this fantasy, but would you like to hear what turns me on about it?
  • I’ve never tried bondage, but I get turned on thinking about you tying me up. Have you fantasized about restraints?

What if they aren’t into my fantasy?

Your partner might think your fantasy is ‘weird’ (what we consider ‘normal sex’ in society is very limited) or they might be turned off or feel unsafe or by your fantasy. It’s also possible they feel no judgement but just aren’t into it. 

Accept rejection peacefully. Don’t try to convince or pressure your partner or make them feel bad because they aren’t into it. Keep your fantasy for masturbation or communicate with your partner about other options like consensual non-monogamy or hiring professional sex workers. Ask your partner to tell you more about their fantasies and maybe you can create some new ones together!